Devotion #14: Saving Edward – Return from the Wilderness

It was hard to see now. Without the crowd to break the wind, it whipped at my face and burned my eyes. I couldn’t be sure if that was the reason behind my tears, or if I was crying in defeat as the clock tolled again.

I could see him now…..It was really him, no hallucination this time. And I realized that my delusions were more flawed than I realized: they’d never done him justice.

I’d never seen anything more beautiful—even as I ran, gasping and screaming, I could appreciate that. And the last seven months meant nothing. And his words in the forest meant nothing. And it did not matter if he did not want me. I would never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived.

It was very strange, for I knew well we were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole. i could feel my heart racing in my chest, the blood pulsing hot and fast through my veins again. My lungs filled deep with the sweet scent that came off his skin. I was perfect—not healed, but as if there had been no wound in the first place.

“I’m not dead…not yet! But we have to get out of here…”
New Moon – Chapter 20.

This passage is so personal and emotional to me. Every single time I read it, I feel every part.

After everything Bella has gone through, it would seem unlikely that she would be willing to risk her life to save Edward, if she even cared at all that he was still alive. If someone showed up and said “Sarah, the man who ripped out your heart, stomped on it, and broke it in a thousand pieces is in trouble…he needs you. Save him.” I would be well within my rights to slam the door in that person’s face.

But often, God is that man. He allows our life to seemingly go over the edge of a cliff. He withdraws Himself from us, ushering us into a survival situation: the wilderness.

He allows us to get to our quitting point, Bella’s was almost-kissing Jacob just before the call came which set the entire Volterra trip into motion. We’re faced with settling, giving up, giving in, or letting go of our dreams and destiny. We die.

But while we die, God waits for something else within us to become more alive, more concrete and resilient: our love.
When we have truly met God, Himself, and not religion or simply His shadow, when we behold Him, we cannot help but love Him.

When we adore and are intimate with Him in the meadow, He leaves His mark indelibly on our insides. “We are changed, completely and beyond recognition,” and there is no unknowing, no forgetting the touch of His hand or the scent of His presence.

He waits to see us proven, and for us to realize that though He slay us, we will trust Him, though offended, we will still cling to Him.

And it’s really true, that though we can be pushed to the very extreme edge of our belief and sanity, when we lay hold of Him again, our heart becomes—not unbroken, but new and perfect.

The presence of God does not just speed healing, it is healing. Within Him, no wound can exist, even those wrought by Himself. And what’s more, no wound could matter. Bella speaks the truth, that supernatural love not only casts out fear of rejection, but any fear of pain.

When we reach that place, things change. If we can just hang on, we’ll be holding to our Beloved as we exit our Volterra saying “I’m not dead, yet.” 🙂


~ by sarahthebaker on February 13, 2010.

One Response to “Devotion #14: Saving Edward – Return from the Wilderness”

  1. EXACTLY!!!!!!!! Wow, this was fantastic. Really. Well-written, clear, true, inspiring! Write on, sister!

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