#7 Bella’s Addictions: Emotional Spackle

I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing here.
Was I trying to push myself back into the zombie stupor? Had I turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture? I should have gone straight down to La Push. I felt much, much healthier around Jacob. This was not a healthy thing to do.

But I continued to drive slowly down the overgrown lane, twisting through the trees that arched over me like a green, living tunnel.

I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmare; now that I was really awake, the nothingness of the dream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone. There was something to search for. Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted…but he was out there, somewhere. I had to believe that.

The truth was that I wanted to hear his voice again, like I had in the strange delusion Friday night. For that brief moment, when his voice came from some other part of me than my conscious memory, when his voice was perfect and honey smooth rather than the pale echo my memories usually produced, I was able to remember without pain. It hadn’t lasted; the pain had caught up with me, as I was sure it would for this fool’s errand. But those moments when I could hear him again were an irresistible lure.

But nothing happened. No voice in my head.

I didn’t go any closer. I didn’t want to look in the windows….If the rooms were bare, echoing empty rooms from floor to ceiling, that would certainly hurt….

But wouldn’t it be worse if there were no change?…That everything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them.

Just like me.

I turned my back on the gaping emptiness and hurried to my truck. I nearly ran. I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. Maybe I was developing a new kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn’t care. I pushed my truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix.
New Moon – Chapter 7

Bella’s getting better at understanding her personal motives and reactions to things. This level of honesty, bought with personal pain, would be useful if she had the emotional strength to channel it into action. But she doesn’t.  As a person, Bella’s spent; scraping the bottom of the barrel to survive on a daily basis.

She’s beginning to understand that while her time with Jacob is healthy, needed, and life-giving to her, it’s not able to fill the hole in her chest. But that doesn’t change the fact she’s developing an addiction to Jacob’s aura of warmth and grace.

At some point, everyone has had some form of addiction; whether it’s food, nicotene or another controlled substance, television, or another person. The reason why addictions often take over is because we don’t have something of greater pull to keep us tethered. Edward was such a large part of Bella’s life, when he left, Bella became (as she described) “a moon” whose planet had disappeared, that remained  in its lonely orbit around the empty space of the galaxy, even though its purpose for being there no longer existed.

No earthly relationship is ever meant to take up this much of our lives. It isn’t healthy or desirable, and is quite honestly why many relationships don’t last: we don’t know how to have balance.

This is the very reason why Bella’s relationship with Jacob is so important; it gives her the chance to be human, Bella, without attached strings….Except that Bella is untethered. She’s empty inside, and this comes out at night in her dreams about “nothingness”…

Conversely, in a spiritual way, there’s a very good explanation for why Bella’s wounds aren’t healing; why she can’t move on: Edward (like Christ), is a supernatural entity. Christ invades us, to our very soul, ruining us for normal life. When we are without Him, nothing else can possibly satisfy us completely. He must always be in our lives, always with us. Jacob, like any human relationship, is simply unable to take away that need, that thirst for something more. Jacob was never meant for Bella in that way. Likewise, we simply can’t expect our human relationships to satisfy us completely. The hole in Bella’s chest, like mine, and yours, is unique and only one thing is able to fill it; and that is God.

Trying to fill it with any other addiction, even God-given relationships, is nothing more than emotional spackle that cannot last.

In Ecclesiastes, it said “who can eat, and who can have enjoyment without Him?”

But God can be found by us, even if Edward cannot be found by Bella. Seek Him, and don’t trick yourself into seeking total satisfaction in other things. Only He can fill that special place in us.

Look ahead, because both God and Edward are coming back…


~ by sarahthebaker on January 12, 2010.

One Response to “#7 Bella’s Addictions: Emotional Spackle”

  1. Again, so good. Explained so well! I’ve always thought of Jacob as the “world” but then had trouble following through because of his good qualities. I love your description – Jacob is the “human” factor – both good and not so good since he is unable and not intended to fill that Edward-shaped (God-shaped) hole. Great stuff! Thanks!

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